The past two mornings, Gizmo has thrown my whole existence into upheaval.
She is only 18 months old but she has made me (and the husband) question our family decision to just have two kids. With her cuteness.
Two mornings in a row, as we walk out the door, she waves to her father, says "bye-bye" and the husband looks at me forlornly and says, "We should have another kid."
The first day I kind of wanted to punch him in the throat in a loving, respectful way.
The second day, my resistance showed signs of weakening.
You are probably thinking to yourself, "Hold the phone, Michelle. You've been a little militant with your stance on two kids. Let's see here when the doctor kept asking you if you really wanted your tubes tied. And here you said you were good. Sure you've had your moment of doubt. But overall you have been pretty adamant about the decision."
(OK, maybe you weren't thinking all of that.)
I have been certain of my decision. Two kids makes sense for us logically. We aren't outnumbered. We have one for each hand when we have to lone wolf it. Financially it makes sense given that neither of us plans to stay home.
But our kids are super cute. They are at a magical age. Peanut has an imagination and a view on the world that makes me laugh every time she opens her mouth. Like when she asked her father very loudly while in the front yard if he knew what a vagina is. As our neighbor walked down her driveway.
And Gizmo. Oh my sweet little Madzilla Gizmo. She is two parts rotten to one part adorable. But she is 18 months old and talking and independent and cute and all smiles all of the time (even when she's biting you.) Every morning she hollers for me "Mom!" (because she doesn't call me mommy or momma like a normal toddler.) She reminds me of Will Ferrell in "Wedding Crashers" when he yells "MOM! MEATLOAF!" I plan to teach her how to yell meatloaf for my own entertainment.
So I asked the husband tonight if he is serious about another child. It wouldn't be an easy or inexpensive task given the whole we-aren't-having-more-kids-so-go-ahead-and-tie-my-tubes-doctor decision we made 18 months ago.
Plus I don't like being pregnant. And the sleepless nights. And the childcare costs. And the diapers. And the terrible twos all over again. And everything else that makes being a parent hard.
As I listed all of the reasons why it makes no sense to have a baby, Gizmo twirled and twirled in circles laughing in the carefree way that only kids can do. The husband looked at me. He looked at her and said, "Yeah, but isn't it all worth it to get this?"
And then my resolve cracked a little more.
In theory, yes, it is all worth it.
I don't have an answer for him. I might not for awhile. I know I'm not ready for more kids at this moment. But maybe. Maybe later.